A daughter’s journey with her ageing father

Robyn has always admired her father’s generosity. He worked hard, built a meaningful life, and created a legacy his family will always treasure. As he’s grown older, their bond has grown closer. But along the way, she’s had to step into conversations she never expected – and navigate the shift from being a daughter to becoming a carer and a decision-maker.

A father’s love, a lifetime of generosity

Robyn grew up in a home where money wasn’t openly discussed, but hard work was deeply valued. “I grew up believing that hard work was the only way to earn money,” she reflects. Her own career followed that pattern; she worked steadily through her marriage, her income growing with each promotion.

Robyn’s father gave freely. “He made it possible for our children to start their adult lives without the burden of a bonded home,” she says. “He took us on a Disney trip we’ll never forget and always opened up the family holiday homes without hesitation.”

But because money wasn’t discussed, Robyn didn’t receive much guidance. “I made some poor financial decisions early on. More communication at home would have helped me build better habits and manage money with more confidence.”

The conversation that came too late

Robyn’s father is now 78. His memory started declining about seven years ago when her mother first took him to see a neurologist. Their relationship has grown stronger, but that hasn’t made the hard conversations any easier.

“I wish we had opened the conversation about his future sooner when he still felt confident and independent,” Robyn says. “Now, when I ask what he wants to do, he often says, ‘Nothing really.’”

The emotional weight of watching a parent lose confidence is difficult to describe. Robyn believes that earlier planning – for purpose as well as finances – might have helped.

The farm that’s draining more than just money

The family farm, once a source of pride, has become a financial liability. Policies were being cashed in to cover the rising costs, and a farm manager was taking advantage of Robyn’s elderly parents.

Robyn and her siblings stepped in. Her brother led the process of restructuring trusts and reviewing policies. But the real challenge has been helping their father let go. “Some days, he agrees. Other days, he forgets or denies it,” Robyn says. “We’re repeating the same conversation often. It’s hard to be gentle when there’s urgency, but we try.”

It’s a constant balancing act, trying to protect his interests while honouring how emotionally tied he is to the farm.

The conversation they’re still avoiding

One conversation Robyn and her siblings have postponed is about power of attorney. “He hasn’t resisted signing anything yet, so we’ve held off. But I dread bringing it up,” she says.

In South Africa, power of attorney can only be granted while someone is still of sound mind. Once memory loss progresses too far, families must apply for legal administration – a lengthy and costly process.

When your parent loses their sense of purpose

One of the hardest parts for Robyn has been watching her father in retirement. “He’s often bored. He doesn’t live on the farm anymore, and without my mom by his side, there’s a noticeable emptiness.”
He sometimes tells her he wishes he had something meaningful to do – a routine, a purpose.

“He was once so active and driven. Now, he feels unsure of what comes next. That’s hard to watch.”

What this journey has taught Robyn

Robyn and her husband are planning for retirement with more intention. “It’s not just about money,” she says. “It’s about building a life with structure, connection, and meaning.”

They’ve started open conversations with their children about their plans, goals, and the kind of support they might one day need. “We want to make it easier for them. And we’ve encouraged them to get advice early. That’s something I wish I’d done.”

Robyn’s advice for others walking this road

Start conversations early. Don’t wait for a diagnosis. Even simple discussions about wishes and documents can make a big difference.

• Talk about life, not just money. Ask what matters to them, what brings them joy, and how they see the years ahead.
• Be patient with memory loss. It’s not personal. You’ll likely repeat yourself. Just keep showing up with kindness.
• Make your own plans clear. Give your children clarity now. Be open, share information, and help them avoid confusion later.

So many midlife clients find themselves where Robyn is, supporting ageing parents while navigating their own financial future. There’s no roadmap for this part of the journey, and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or unsure. But starting these conversations early gives everyone a better chance of honouring the wishes of those we love.

Kim